"You're such a good Mom!" These words are still lodged in my brain, 20 years after they were said to me by an American friend. I was a newly arrived migrant in Sydney, missing the support of my family, and the love of grandparents for my children. Her encouraging words lifted my spirits even though at the time I could acknowledge that there was a touch of American over enthusiasm in her words!
Recently I was asked to run a workshop on encouragement for a group of pastoral carers in a church, and part of me wonders why we need to emphasise this, to train people to do what should such an obvious thing? What is it that makes us so reluctant, forgetful or just plain lazy about encouraging and praising those whom we interact with everyday? How often do we tell the provider of some service that we really appreciate the way they make our coffee, pack our groceries or handle our banking transactions, or thank and affirm family members for the difference they make to our lives?
Neuroscience is rapidly discovering concrete explanations for effects we have long recognised intuitively, like the power in the praise we either receive or give. Therapist David Newton on BBC radio last week discussed the power of positive, problem free language and its influence on the left pre-frontal cortex. He described how using this kind of language enables a person to make a proper assessment of a situation and access problem solving skills. Conversely, negative, problem filled language can activate the right pre-frontal cortex which is linked to the primitive part of the brain essential for survival that reacts automatically and not necessarily logically. So by relating to another in this positive way, we can encourage them to access their own problem solving abilities and to complete their own responsibilities. I know that my friend's positive remark all those years ago gave me more than a cognitive knowledge that encouraged me to keep going in my parenting: I had an emotional experience in response that buoyed me up more than a simple statement of fact would have done.
What is important in Newton's remarks is the ability to create an environment where the listener works at their own solutions to their situation. But are there dangers in praising people? Will we give them a swollen head and an unrealistic understanding of their abilities?
Educators studying optimal ways to praise students to improve performance have noted that,
"Students praised for intelligence made significantly more references to innate, fixed capacity, whereas the students praised for effort made more references to skills, knowledge, and areas they could change through effort and learning. Thus, we found that praise for intelligence tended to put students in a fixed mind-set (intelligence is fixed, and you have it), whereas praise for effort tended to put them in a growth mind-set (you’re developing these skills because you’re working hard)."
What does all this mean for our enjoyment of others praising and encouraging us, and our role in encouraging those around us? I like to blame my "stiff upper lip" British heritage for my struggle to naturally praise and encourage people, but I found a useful parenting maxim that has helped me to retrain myself in this area.
This rule suggests that every negative one says to one's children needs to be balanced with five positive remarks. At times with my active son that was not easy, but bearing in my mind my own relishing of my friend's (and other's) affirmations, I persevered with practicing, and finally learnt how to do it.
Then I realise that we learnt it all in Sunday school. The song that goes "Count your blessings, name them one by one" is all about being aware of the good things in our lives and giving thanks for them. We can thank God for them, but we can also thank and affirm those around us for the joy they bring to our lives and to others.
