A friend of mine was completely perplexed. He was trying so hard to be the loving husband, putting in place a strategy he had learnt through some Christian "self help" literature.
The advice, written by a woman, was about how men should respond to their wives in the midst of a fairly heated argument. Men were advised that a fairly typical male response of "going to their cave" when things were getting "hot", would leave their partners feeling crushed, unloved and abandoned. So, before "leaving for the cave", he should lovingly say to his wife "I know you're really upset now, so am I. I really love you and care for you and will come back and talk about this later."
Some days later he tried this in the midst of one of their arguments. Was his wife soothed by this remark? Not at all! A passionate woman, her retort was "How dare you make assumptions about how I'm feeling right now. You have absolutely no way of knowing what I am feeling and I'm really angry that you presume to think you do!" The argument then turned away from the original point, and was focused on her incensed response to him and him defending his actions. He left the room before it got even more heated!
What had gone wrong? Was it poor advice or not?
Probably not. But the working out of applying what seemed like a reasonable strategy highlights what complicated beings we humans are and how difficult it is to be dogmatic about the "10 steps to achieving success in ...anything" in the area of human relationships.
We catch glimpses of that in the variety of ways that Jesus responds to different people in what at first glance look like the same situation - a healing might involve physical touch or a call to repentance. It appears that Jesus could see what was in people's hearts and allowed that knowledge to shape the way he dealt with them - no one size fits all reaction from him.
So for us, when taking on board good ideas about how to be in relationship, we need to practice the skill of empathy, attempting to see the world through the other person's eyes, to feel it through their heart, before we apply any tips from others about the best way to do things.
We strive to get to know our partners and remember what their sensitivities are and take that into account when in conversation with them. This is an ongoing process as we and our partners will change over time and we cannot assume that what was right for them 5 years ago is still right for them today.
Every now and again I hear the exasperated response from my long standing husband "Well you've really surprised me today by... You've never done/wanted that before!"
And as I write, I am wondering how many male readers will be going "you see - women really are IMPOSSIBLE to understand!". What are your experiences?
