My church runs an annual six week course called "God Chicks", an all-ages group where younger and older women meet together and study matters of import to women from a Biblical perspective, with an inclusive model that promotes the idea of the different age groups being able to learn from and minister to each other in a variety of ways.
Each year the question of dating comes up, and there appears to be a generational difference in viewpoint. The younger women, often in response to teaching they have received in youth group, are much more cautious about dating, leaning towards a commonly held view in their age group that one should only date if one has intentions of marriage.
This view is promoted in a recent article in the Eternity newspaper;
Christians should only date if they can see themselves getting married in the near future, and should only date to see if this person is the right person to spend the rest of their lives with.
Other young women see this as putting far too much pressure on any relationships that are formed between them and young men. The older women (many of them mothers of teenagers and young adults) are much keener for their teenagers and young adult children to experience a range of relationships before thinking about marriage.
What is going on here - are the older women being lax in their attitudes towards dating?
In the final analysis, I believe we are all concerned with ensuring that Christian marriages are what God would want them to be, following both the specific Biblical references to marriage and more general ideas about relating to others. Mathews and Hubbard put it thus;
Marriage is living out the intimate connection of two broken image bearers who are in the process of being restored and who are committed to helping one another in the restoration process (Marriage Made in Eden p.200)
.
Interestingly, Nancy Van Pelt argues strongly for the necessity for dating, citing research at Kansas State University which found "a strong correlation…between lengths of time spent dating their current spouses and current marital satisfaction."
The researchers noted that "couples who had dated for more than two years scored consistently high on marital satisfaction, while couples who had dated for shorter periods scored in a wide range from very high to very low." She describes seven stages that need to be negotiated prior to marriage: friendship, casual dating, special dating, steady dating, pre engagement, formal engagement and marriage. Additionally, at least two years is needed to develop the necessary relationship skills for a successful, lasting marriage, and that to "drop out" of the progression at any stage, even after engagement, is preferable to a divorce.
So, dating seems to be a wise necessity for a successful marriage. But should it be only undertaken when a person is thinking of getting married in the near future? The mothers I have spoken with would encourage their late teenage and young adult children to be experimenting with stages one, two and three, as a way of building those relationship skills and getting to understand what being in a relationship means. They would see that this is needed before a young person can even begin to assess if they are ready for the commitment that a marriage relationship means.
Admittedly, some of the prohibitions on dating seem to be driven by fears around how involved the young people can get in a dating relationship. Given the biological ‘readiness’ of young people for sexual relationship, that is a wise caution, since giving too much of oneself in a relationship, especially if done prematurely, can cause much grief later.
However, though space does not permit me a discussion of the who, what, where and how of dating, I believe that a more flexible approach to dating, within sensible guidelines, gives young people a better chance at learning about themselves and others in relationships before being ready for the lifelong commitment of marriage.
I realise my viewpoint confirms my age as one of the older women. Which camp are you in?
