Hello all,

I’ve never posted in this forum before, but am doing so now as I’ve reached a point where I feel I need some help, and this is just about the only way I feel able to at the moment.

I’m not sure how to begin with this, so I’ll just say it. I have a fairly serious anxiety problem, and I could really do with some prayer right now

Looking back, it probably began around my early teens. I’ve pretty much been on my own ever since, and I am now almost 24. I grew up in a Christian home, and have always attended church, which has often been my only social contact, but even then I tend to sit in the back and keep to myself for the most part.

Throughout all that time I have struggled with the issues of life in my own little world.

My reasons for posting this are not so much due to the social anxiety problem however, although that is certainly not unrelated. What is worrying me even more at the moment is the spiritual darkness and impoverishment I am experiencing at the moment. I have, in the past, really poured my heart out to God in tearful prayer due to the whole experience, but it seems at the moment that something is really wrong with me spiritually. I’m thinking it’s probably unconfessed sin, which given that I have just about never confessed anything to anyone is hardly surprising, but I’m just not really sure what to do at this point. I find it really hard to get up the courage to open up to anyone about anything - I have only ever done it twice in my entire life, and even then I never admitted that I had an anxiety problem. I know I need to do it, but I just don’t know how.

On a few occasions I have had serious panic attacks, feeling as if I was about to die and go to hell. Of late, it has become more apparent that my faith has been a really legalistic one, and even though I know in my head that legalism is wrong, there just seems to be something driving me to do it. I’ve always had major issues with self-worth, and it seems as if I just keep wanting to feel ‘good enough’ just so I can feel good about myself. Of late I have felt hard of heart, and unrepentant, which I disgusts me. I have lived in my own little world for so long that I just seem to be in a really self-centred, unloving frame of mind. I always just feel obligated to do this, and do that - a sure sign of legalism I know. I am plagued by this unrelenting guilt, and I have no love in me whatsoever. I don’t know if this is sinfulness, mental illness, some sort of demonic influence or what.

Sorry for the rant, but I am totally sick of feeling all smashed up inside. I want to be right with God, and I just don’t feel as if I am at the moment and I’m really struggling to have faith, which is just making me feel even more guilty.

If any of you could pray about this I would really appreciate it. I need to find the courage to open up about all of this. I know I am meant to focus on biblical facts, and not my feelings, but I’m finding that really hard.

I can hardly believe I am actually going through with this. Telling complete strangers - this is totally crazy and surreal. Now to see if I don’t chicken out before hitting the submit button…

Hi Chris, just a really quick reply before I bail for the night, but just wanted to say good on you for sharing! I’m sure there will be lots of good replies, but fwiw I’m 26 & mostly housebound due to chronic illness so I can relate quite a bit. Anyway will reply in more depth later but again just wanted to say good on you for getting it out there & I’ll pray for you!

Hi Chris,
Certainly I will pray for you. You’ve done a good thing in sharing all this!
I would love to talk more if you would like to. We have some things in common.
But first, an important question that needs to be asked is “do you think you are depressed and / or have you had thoughts of suicide or of hurting yourself?”
That’s such an important question that it’s foolish not to ask straight upfront.

I will PM you soon and will pray for you right now.

Blaise

Hi Chris,

Prayers indeed. I am sorry to hear of your situation.

I don’t know if you are much of a reader, but even if you are not, as well as reading Romans or Galatians in the Bible (both of which I found very helpful for the problem of legalism and the mistake of trying to put myself right with God through good works), I have recently read Spiritual Depression: It’s Causes and Cures by D. Martyn Lloyd Jones and found it a great comfort. Even just chapter 1 is a help.

(ESV)
By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. 

I pray your experience will improve, and I pray even more that you will keep on with the God who is greater than all our experiences.

Hi Chris, I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties. I’ll be praying for you.

Hi Chris. Firstly, welcome to the SydAng forums. I’m very sorry to hear about the struggles you’re having, but good on you for asking for help.

The symptoms you’ve described are consistent with depression and so I would strongly encourage you to see you GP. (Just to clarify someone else’s post above, you certainly don’t have to have suicidal thoughts to have depression.) Anyhow, your GP is the best person to see to sort this out and to start you on the road to recovery. I also suggest you discuss these problems with your pastor. Hopefully, and at the very least, he’ll be able to assist you in devising strategies to help overcome your social isolation. From what you’ve said here regarding “spiritual darkness and impoverishment”, I’m fairly confident that this is secondary to your struggles with depression, and once that is confirmed (by your GP) and appropriate medical treatment is under way, I’m confident your spiritual mood will also change very much for the better. However, sorting this out will take a little time.

Having said all that, you most certainly have my prayers too.

Hi Chris,

Welcome to SA forum and I think you have done a good thing in articulating your thoughts.

Beware of internet diagnosis, no matter how well intentioned, one’s state of mind or mental health can’t be assessed on the basis of one late night internet post.

Have you visited www.beyondblue.org.au it has some really useful resources and advice related to anxiety etc.

Prayers ascending.

Melinda Seed - 07 February 2008 11:52 AM

Beware of internet diagnosis, no matter how well intentioned, one’s state of mind or mental health can’t be assessed on the basis of one late night internet post.

Exactly. And that’s why I recommended Chris visit his GP :).

Chris,

My prayers are ascending heavenward as well.

May the God of all comfort encourage and strengthen you. I hope and pray God provides an understanding Christian friend.

Paying your GP a visit is a very good idea.

thanks for sharing with us
Angela

I agree - a doctor’s visit would be a great idea. Prayers for you mate.

Hi Chris

Thanks for the post you have articulated exactly how I feel. I am 27 have had CFS for 16yrs now so my life is like an 80 year olds already. Anxiety overwhelming feelings of guilt unworthiness and failure dog me. However, I see that God is really using these circumstances to refine me and drive me to him as there is nowhere else turn. I found the conviction that my legalism was wrong and only hurting me helped me to find out more about God’s grace and love for me in Jesus Christ. Gordon suggestion of Spiritual Depression is just about the most helpful book for this. I am defiantly not better but I am making real progress thanks to God.

I’m sorry to hear of what you are going through.

Depression is the pits. No pun intended. Its something I have been going through myself lately and will be seeing the doctor about it, among other stuff.

One of the issues I have found by not having such a great long / short term memory is that I would rather avoid talking to people to avoid embarrassing my self, in not knowing what they were talking about when talking about stuff from the past.

The other issue I have found is that I can be more susceptible to tears when talking to strangers more so than in talking with friends. Such as the other day when I had a centrelink appointment with a job assessment officer. I felt really good going to the office and in talking to her, and yet nearly broke down and it took a lot of effort to get myself under control once again. The realization of once being a fit and active type of bloke to suddenly not being able to do any kind of work hits home hard…

However i have found that making yourself speak to and be around people even when you don’t feel like it helps, such as church and fellowship groups. Getting with 1 or 2 others and praying for each other helps. And deliberately praying for others and not for myself also helps a lot as it takes my focus of self and onto others.

craig b

Yes, CFS really affects my short-term memory and my ability to cope with stress. I find talk to people that I am not totally familiar with very difficult. I find that the stress only exacerbates this.
I found exactly the same thing (holding back tears) at centrelink. It’s so hard to cope with other stuff that’s going on in your life and centrelink is a really hard place to be or deal with. I am a pensioner now, but it took a lot of work and stress to get there.

That is great that you have found supportive people like that it really helps hey. I have moved back to live with my parent to a small isolated country town, just two months ago. I find it very difficult, as I don’t get on with them that well, and don’t have much of a church or social life. Nevertheless, I’m not really well enough to live by myself and way to poor.

Thanks for the replies everyone. It certainly helps to know that I am not the only one going through this kind of thing.

I might say more later, but right now I need some sleep.

Can I just thank whoever it was in another depression related thread for the links to the Arch Hart stuff?

This series of MP3’s is ESSENTIAL listening if you’re suffering from anxiety or depression. This guy has a lifetime’s experience as a Christian “pastor of the pastors” counselling people in ministry from a professional background which includes monitoring the brain’s reaction to various stimuli. He has some great material on how we respond to stress, what’s happening in our brain, the ABSOLUTE importance of 9 hours sleep a night, the need to ban coffee intake after lunch, and some very, very interesting stuff on how prolonged stress and depression can eventually lead to certain sections of the brain actually shrinking — and what is required to heal.

So download, and either listen on your computer or buy a cheap MP3 player and listen to these talks as you go on a half hour walk each day (being fit is also an important part of managing stress, although I haven’t heard him talk about that one just yet.)