Would you date / marry a Christian woman who went through a divorce?

I want to ask this question for a long time. I only know few Christians who marry a Christian woman who went through a divorce.

What is your opinion on this topic?

If you are dating a Christian woman who went thought a divorce and she has a kid, how you deal with that package?

I find Paul seems to be rather explicit on this matter:

1 Corinthians 7:10-11
To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

So unless their husband or wife died for one reason or another, its a resounding no. Paul doesn’t seem to make exceptions for harsh conduct within the marriage, though he certainly doesn’t approve of it, rather he seems to hold the union of a man and woman in such high esteem, that a formerly married couple should be celibate or reconciled to each other, rather then commit what I think Paul would perceive as adultery, regardless of the reasons for the divorce.

Though there does seem to be an exception (1 Corinthians 7:12-15) if a believer is married to a non-believer and the non-believer (not the believer) wants to divorce, then they can remarry.

But, I’m not very knowledgeable in regards to this subject, and perhaps the bible has more to say about this issue then I am aware.

Good reply Michael
I would add that Paul suggests in 1 Cor 7:39

A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.

So though Paul permits the divorce with an unbeliever that wants to leave he never suggests that they are free to remarry until that spouse has died.

This is confirmed by Jesus in Mark 10

11Jesus answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

Earlier Jesus says that divorce is wrong because if a man divorces his wife she will remarry and be an adulterer.  It isn’t the divorce that is sin but rather the remarriage which is adultery.

The disciples in Matthew 19 after hearing this teaching thought it a very hard teaching and that it be better to never marry.  Jesus agreed that it was a very hard teaching

11Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage[c]because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

My question is how do you repent from adultery that is the result of remarriage?  I am tempted to say stay as you are but then a man is then considered by God to have more than one wife, so Paul suggests in 1 Timothy 3

If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer,[a] he desires a noble task. 2Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife,

That person is welcomed as part of the church but should not have the role of an overseer.

Thax <><

It is good to look at scripture in its entirety.

In Deut 24 we read that Moses talks about giving a certificate of divorce. He talks about “finding something undecent about her”. Moses is not giving a set of riles for divorce. He merely recognises its existence.

Remember that in Gen 2:24 we read of God’s plan that man and woman become ONE FLESH. Further in Malchi we read that God hates divorce.

Interesting...God’s message is that marriage is for life, but acknowledges that we are sinful and things go wrong.

Now Jesus who came to fulfil the law, is worrired that Pharisees have set a lot of rules about marriage, and seeing some pretty young thing decided to trade in their old wife for a newer model. He was keen to promote God’s original view of marriage. To dump your wife for a newer model, is to make your wife appear an adulterer, why else would such a righteous person dump his wife?.

To read the gospel passages in conjunction with Deut 24 and 1 Cor 7, maybe, just maybe, we have been so keen on writing rules to live our lives that we have missed God’s message of forgiveness.

Let us not lose sight that God hates divorce and desires that marriage is a life long commitment. But if marriages do fail, is divorce the sin? Or is it that the combined acts which led to the failure of the marriage are the sin? Is divorce the unforgiveable sin of there is no remarriage? Clearly Deut 24 and 1 Cor 7 specify a range of cases where remarriage in countenanced. And if I read the Bible clearly, we read about marriage failing because of some form of marital failure, not just adultery. Jesus wants us to see marriage as for life, not something we drop at will.

Some twenty five years ago I came across the writings of Dr B Ward Powers. Powers was formerly a lecture at Moore College and SMBC. You can read about his book at http://www.wardpowers.info/MAD.htm

Powers taught me to try and break out of my western very English-Australian approach to reading the scriptures, and instead to try and understand why it was written, to whom it was written and what it was trying to say. Surely this is what we should all try to do with scripture as the basis for our walk with God.

So should I marry a divorced woman? Or should a woman marry a divorced man?
Did Jesus die on the cross for ALL sin, or only for every sin other than marriage failure and divorce?

I apologize before hand to anyone who may find this subject disheartening, and for any response of mine perceived as clinical and lacking heart, what we are responding to (is I assume) a hypothetical, and I acknowledge that in a real situation, while biblical truth must be upheld the situation must be dealt with on a far more personal level.

Grant Robinson - 16 December 2007 09:35 PM

But if marriages do fail, is divorce the sin? Or is it that the combined acts which led to the failure of the marriage are the sin?

I would have thought it would be both, obviously the events leading up to the divorce would have involved sin at one level, but the action of divorce itself I believe is still a sin because its a deliberate action made in an attempt to dissolve the marriage, rather then save it.

Craig Thacker wrote:

So though Paul permits the divorce with an unbeliever that wants to leave he never suggests that they are free to remarry until that spouse has died.

Good point, I seemed to be reading into scripture something that wasn’t there.

Grant Robinson wrote:

So should I marry a divorced woman? Or should a woman marry a divorced man?
Did Jesus die on the cross for ALL sin, or only for every sin other than marriage failure and divorce?

The NT makes it clear that simply because Jesus took away the punishment for our sins it doesn’t therefore mean we are vindicated in sinning as much as we want, and we are not vindicated in committing evil acts knowing we can get away with it, such a mindset I think would reveal that we are still a slave to sin.
I could be wrong but I’ll take a chance and say you agree, I think where your going wrong is that your seeing divorce (or at least what leads up to it) as the only sin, but I think Craig made it quite clear that remarriage is also sin, indeed it’s adultery, so in marrying a divorced Christian, you are in fact encouraging them to sin further, and you yourself are sinning by becoming one with someone who is effectively in God’s eye someone else’s spouse.
Just because God has forgiven someone does not mean they are vindicated in sinning further.
So you should not marry a divorced Christian because it would be sinful, just because God will forgive you if you commit such a sin is no reason to sin.

And once they have sinned by remarrying them they will find themselves in an even more difficult position morally then they were before.

I think on biblical grounds the only time a divorced person can remarry without deliberately committing a sinful act is when their original spouse has died.

So I think the lesson to be learned when getting married is to be very very very very prudent, careful and loving because you won’t get another chance with someone else in God’s eyes.

Hi Michael.

I did date a divorced woman, and I did end up marrying her as well. And she was a Christian when I married her, though she wasn’t when her husband abandoned her when her third child was 6 weeks old. We met 7 years later.

Seems to me that one of the Gospel accounts says that the woman doesn’t sin if she remarries if she was the one sinned against.  Sounds to me like the power of the blood of Jesus to forgive, cleanse and renew us from all sin is really in question here.

The question I ask is a salvific question, if the divorcee who marries is in continual sin and is an unrepentant adulterer in the eyes of some. Wouldn’t that make them unforgiven ? and if they were not forgiven by God that would mean they are not saved?

Seems to me that divorce and remarriage is more of an area for grace and forgiveness, rather then it is to make black and white rules from Scripture that was never meant to be made into a rule book.

Blessings craig b

Craig Bennett - 17 December 2007 12:09 AM

The question I ask is a salvific question, if the divorcee who marries is in continual sin and is an unrepentant adulterer in the eyes of some. Wouldn’t that make them unforgiven ? and if they were not forgiven by God that would mean they are not saved?

Hi Craig. God forgave David (2 Sam 12:13) when he did something very much worse than just marrying a divorcee. Therefore I’m sure God would forgive those who divorce and remarry for selfish reasons (as long as they genuinely repent of their actions).

Craig Thacker - 16 December 2007 07:16 PM

11Jesus answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

Thax <><

hi, all

I have no problem for this quote.
I probably need to refine my question
The bottom line of my question is that:

If a husband divorce his wife for marrying another woman, and his ex-wife start looking another marriage latter on. Does ex-wife commit adultery?

Thanks Craig B for sharing his experience in this field

Craig Bennett - 17 December 2007 12:09 AM

Hi Michael.

I did date a divorced woman, and I did end up marrying her as well. And she was a Christian when I married her, though she wasn’t when her husband abandoned her when her third child was 6 weeks old. We met 7 years later.

Blessings craig b

If you are dating a Christian woman who went thought a divorce and she has a kid, how you deal with that package?

Craig, do you find difficult to deal with the kids who are not your own?
What are those day to day difficulties you face?
Does it make any difference as a father?

Hi Ray.

Being a father is a fantastic job and is hard hard work, being a stepfather is even harder as you have so many different variables to work with.

My wife had 3 boys when I met, and we had two more ourselves. Its not something I would take on lightly, and if i knew what I was in for, I would have prayed harder before I did get married.

I would recommend that you move slowly, very slowly.

With my stepsons, I missed out on the early years of their lifes, my own boys are now around the age of my stepsons when I first met them. BTW as a dad, my wife and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary last Thursday night and we took the boys with us - the older ones didn’t want to come.
During dinner my youngest boy developed a tummy ache and power vomited all over himself, the table and the floor, and again outside.

Being a dad and a husband can be truly a challenge at times.

Ray asked

If a husband divorce his wife for marrying another woman, and his ex-wife start looking another marriage latter on. Does ex-wife commit adultery?

I think Jesus said ‘yes’ if she remarries she commits adultery.

Matthew 5:32 (ESV)
32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

It is interesting here, that the exception for sexual immorality is not the only reason a person can legitamitly get divorced, it is only only reason why you don’t make her an adulterer because she already is an adulterer.

Michael wrote;

So I think the lesson to be learned when getting married is to be very very very very prudent, careful and loving because you won’t get another chance with someone else in God’s eyes.

I think the lesson is applied mostly after a marriage commitment and not so much in your choice of partner originally.  By that I mean, reguardless of who you are married too be faithful, loving, forgiving and recognise where our own pride is providing a stumbling block to a happy marriage.  Then it doesn’t matter how carefully I choose my partner before I was married, because the reality is the person we marry changes everyday and will be different sometimes drastically to the person on our wedding day.  I know I’m now 20kgs more the man I was than when I was married 8 years ago.  Thankfully my wife and I didn’t say ‘I do’, we said ‘I will’.

Craig Bennett - 17 December 2007 12:09 AM

Seems to me that one of the Gospel accounts says that the woman doesn’t sin if she remarries if she was the one sinned against. 

Do you have a quote, that would be useful, or was that just a generalization of what you said before, if so, could you explain it again?

I find your situation interesting, and as I said before a real case cannot be dealt with in the same way as simply stating what the bible says. Paul’s situation deals specifically with two believers who divorce, not two non-believers, is it right to marry someone who has become a Christian, post a divorce between to non-Christians?

In the Old Testament law, when a women’s husband died before they had children the brother of the husband was by law meant to marry the women and perform the marital rights of his brother…
So my question is, is their a difference between abandonment and divorce? Is it right to marry a women who has been abandoned in her time of need? Could a women who is abandoned be up for remarriage?

Nonetheless I find Paul’s statement explicitly clear when dealing with two believers, and I am wary that I may find myself bending scripture in order to justify the actions of those whom I feel sympathetic to.

I am also certain that if you are a Christian, and for whatever reason you get married, then have a divorce you must be prepared to lead a celibate life. (Which is why, whether married, single or divorced, the God-given ability to resist sexual temptation is imperative.)

Further it is the ‘oneness’ the ‘unity’ of marriage that is seemingly so important to God, would it ever therefore be right in God’s eyes to remarry provided the other spouse is still alive no matter what the circumstances are? I mean you don’t have to marry an abandoned wife just to support her...you can support her by other means.

On top of this, though Jesus permitted the man to divorce his wife if she committed adultery (and by Jewish law she would therefore be put to death) and therefore he could have remarried, because his wife was dead...but then again while one man and one woman was ideal there was nothing forbidding a Jewish man from having two (or more) wives, so it wouldn’t be a case of remarriage it would be a case of another marriage…
Also if you combine Jesus’s statement with Paul’s, while the man can legally divorce his wife for adultery under the new covenant she would be forgiven not killed therefore the man is not allowed to remarry for his spouse is still alive, even though he has the right to divorce her it does not give him the right to remarry, but rather as Paul says he must be reconciled or begin a celibate life.

Angus Johnson said:

God forgave David (2 Sam 12:13) when he did something very much worse than just marrying a divorcee. Therefore I’m sure God would forgive those who divorce and remarry for selfish reasons

While this is certainly a sordid tale of grievous sin I don’t think it is a case of marrying a divorcee as neither David nor Bathsheba ever divorced their respective spouses.
The story is a case of:
- Blatant adultery. (with no intention of divorce and remarriage)
- Murder.
- Polygamy.
- The Murderer marrying the widow of the man he murdered.
Now while there are allot of sins there, marrying a divorcee is not one of them, it is a case of marrying a widow which is perfectly legal, just not the way David went about doing it.

Michael Allison - 17 December 2007 02:02 AM

While this is certainly a sordid tale of grievous sin I don’t think it is a case of marrying a divorcee as neither David nor Bathsheba ever divorced their respective spouses.

Michael, I didn’t say Bathsheba was a divorcee, I said the situation was very much worse. David could simply have ‘enticed’ Bathsheba to the point where divorce was the only appropriate response to his seduction, and then he could have married her. Instead, David murdered Uriah in order to marry Bathsheba, which is surely a much more heinous act.

Quoth AJ

David could simply have ‘enticed’ Bathsheba to the point where divorce was the only appropriate response to his seduction, and then he could have married her. Instead, David murdered Uriah in order to marry Bathsheba, which is surely a much more heinous act.

Nup!
Baathsheba would have been condemned to death under Jewish law. David could’ve pardoned her only at peril of his credibility.

Owen Atkins - 17 December 2007 09:23 AM

Nup! Baathsheba would have been condemned to death under Jewish law.

OK, perhaps my hypothetical scenario needed embellishing ... part of David’s seduction could have included carrot and stick ‘persuasion’ of Uriah to divorce his wife. This would have been so much less odious than murdering Uriah. Obviously David took the more expedient route (and presumably the one which he thought he could more easily conceal).

Anyhow, the suggestion that remarried divorcees are necessarily living in a state of ‘perpetual sin’ I find untenable. What would those who hold this belief suggest to address this ‘sin’? Another divorce?