Kevin Goddard - 11 September 2008 01:34 PM

Andrew Kroiter - 11 September 2008 01:28 PM

Good to know that this thread is useful for more than our collective amusement.

Cheers,
Andrew

Hi Andrew,

Welcome back. Glad to hear from you again - an answer to the prayers of many. Are you back to work or whatever ?

Cheers, Kevin

G’day Kevin,

Thanks for the welcome back. And thanks to everyone here for their prayers. Certainly an answer to prayer - not least to those of my children.

I won’t be back to whatever for a number of weeks. No driving, no lifting (more than 5kg in both hands), no raising both hands above my head (no charismatic type singing for me! ;) ) and a few other “don’ts”.

Cheers,
Andrew

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

“Tell me,” said he, “if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?’

The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”

“Marvelous,” said the head of the institution.

“Or else,” ruminated the inmate. “I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one’s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.”

“Absolutely,” said the head.

“Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.”

“An interesting possibility,” said the head.

“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teapot.”

I’ve always loved the fact that many Australian Yellow Pages directories are so comprehensive that they even have a heading which reads
Books-Boring.

Now John Richardson tells me that In the English Yellow Pages it used to have an entry: Boring: see Civil Engineers.

Background info :

A mensch literally means “a person” in Yiddish, but figuratively it means something much deeper.  A mensch is a person with whom you would be happy to befriend and associate with, because you feel genuine in a mensch’s presence. ...... A person is a mensch because he simply makes others feel good.

Now the joke :

There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.

One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers’ deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi’s honesty and integrity, the temple’s membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a cheque for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the cheque for the rabbi to see.

“I have only one condition,” he said. “At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words.”

After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the cheque. He cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said about the dead brother. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act.” He railed on and on about the deceased.

After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, “But compared to his brother, he was a mensch.”

Also told as the two Mob brothers, where the survivng brother demanded that the priest say that his brother was a saint—but I do like the ‘mensch’ twist.

My wife subscribes to War Cry. It has lots of great articles and we enjoy the corny jokes.

Here’s the latest:

A man takes his great dane to the vet, explaining that the dog seems to be cross-eyed.

The vet picks him up, takes a look at him and says solemnly
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.”

And the man protests “You’d put down a dog because he’s cross-eyed?”

And the vet replies “No, because he’s really heavy.”

Hey! Enough of the vet jokes already

Wouldn’t a vet be talking about hay, not hey?

Robert Denham - 17 September 2008 04:16 PM

Hey! Enough of the vet jokes already

Being a supporter of the Eels and the Swans does not make one a vet !

No it doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean that a supporter of the Eels and Swans has not been a vet.

Robert Denham - 17 September 2008 04:25 PM

No it doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean that a supporter of the Eels and Swans has not been a vet.

I was expecting that possible confession/explanation. Does that make you a veteran vet ? Have you ever held a ‘pet blessing service’ such as they did in ‘The Vicar of Dibley’ ?

Talking of animals, the theme for next year’s “Ignite Christian Film Festival” will be animals in the Bible. Any Christian vets should have a head start for ideas.

Does that make you a veteran vet ?

1. No, I am not that old.
2. No, I have never served in armed conflict (except at a parish dinner many years ago)
3. No, I am not allowed to operate on old people or returned servicemen. (think about it)
4. No, for if anything I used to be a chook vet, so I suppose I am now just plucked and stuffed and dressed ready for cooking.

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

“What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, I’m next in line for the Monsignor’s job.” replied the Priest.

“Yes, and then what ?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop.” said the Priest.

“Yes, and then ?” asked the Rabbi.

“If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it’s possible for me to become a full Bishop.” said the Priest.

“O.K., then what?” asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, “With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal.”

“And then ?” asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, “With lots and lots of effort and some real difficult work - and if I’m in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope.”

“Yes, and then what ?” asked the Rabbi.

“Good grief !” shouted the Priest."What do you expect me to become, GOD ?”

“Well,” said the Rabbi, “One of our boys made it !”

Q why don’t methodists believe in sex?
A it might lead to dancing.

This true story is from today’s news :

No charges for man with 86 wives
Article from: Agence France-Presse From correspondents in Kano, Nigeria
October 08, 2008 08:56am

AUTHORITIES in Nigeria have dropped charges against an 84-year-old Islamic cleric accused of illegally having 86 wives, after his case was transferred to a criminal court, a court official said.

The Niger state Sharia commission withdrew the charge of illegal marriage against Muhammadu Bello Masaba when he appeared before a magistrate court, after his case was transferred from an Islamic Sharia court a day earlier.

He will only face one charge of disturbing religious peace for claiming to have seen Allah in interviews he granted the media, court clerk Abdullahi Dangana said.  Mr Masaba pleaded not guilty to the charge.

He was arrested three weeks ago accused of marrying too many wives in violation of the maximum of four per man that Islam allows and for remarks capable of inciting religious disharmony.

Magistrate Ahmed Bima refused Mr Masaba bail and ordered him back to court later this month.

The revelation that he had 86 wives attracted sharp criticism and indignation from Islamic clerics, inclusing the Jama’atu Nasril Islam (JNI),a Nigerian Muslim body that slammed a fatwa, or death sentence, on him.

Mr Masaba later agreed to divorce 82 of his wives following an ultimatum issued by the influential traditional chief of his home town, Bidda, that he comply with the law or leave town.

Since the return of Nigeria to civil rule in 1999 a dozen predominantly Muslim states in the north have re-introduced a version of the Islamic Sharia legal system.

What the article didn’t include was the observation by the magistrates that - as he had 86 mothers-in-law - that was punishment enough ;)