Altar Boyz

Skin-tight t-shirts, hip-swivelling moves, thumping base-beats, five-part harmonies, the prayer of St Francis of Assisi. Spot the odd man out.

But just as oddly, all five are integral to the newest musical to reach Australian shores, the Altar Boyz. As the lights dim on the stage, the five male MTV-ready performers bow their heads and pray:
“Lord, where there is doubt,
Let us sow faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
And where there is a beat,
– let us bring funky rhythm!” (cue the flash-bombs…)

Billed as a Christian boy-band with ‘bling for the King’, this send-up of 21st century religion and its suspect love affair with modern music is now gracing the stage at the Seymour Centre. The Altar Boyz are a band of five stereo-types performing the last night of their national ‘Raise the Praise’ tour. The antics of Matthew, Mark, Luke, Juan and Abraham – yes, he’s Jewish – as Christian R&B super-stars would be laugh-out-loud funny, were the observations not so achingly precise.

Matthew is a perfect take on the polished Christian ‘good boy’, godlier than G.O.D. He showcases the sort of believer who is forever telling an increasingly cynical world, “I think what my brother really means to say is…”, and so smoothing over the messier members of the faith. Mark is a mincing homosexual clearly suppressing urges a more sensible person would admit. Luke is incredibly passionate but basically incomprehensible, using his faith and funk to hide a suspected drug dependency. Juan is the sultry Hispanic whose lines drift between praising God and propositioning audience members. And Abraham? Well he turns out to be the best embodiment of Christian commitment, which is a pity considering he is a Jew. Clearly these characters reflect a fair critique of the modern church’s obsession with a clean image, and the inconsistencies that often hide beneath.

However the power of the Altar Boyz parody lies not so much in the naivety of its Christians but the lyrics of their pop anthems. The craziness of attempting to combine the heart of R&B with the soul of Christianity emerges in the musical’s theme – “We are the Altar Boyz! / And I think you’ll find / We’re gonna alter your mind!” – and girlfriend ballads like Something About You – “All my friends, they think I’ve lost my mind / And they tell me I’m a fool / But I’m doing what I learned in Sunday school / Girl, you make me wanna … wait.”

Church Rulez draws out just how bizarre the average church service must appear to the uninitiated, with its constant standing, sitting, standing – “And at the end of Mass, a moment you can savor: / You get to look around and shake the hand of your neighbour!” Number 918 is more cutting by comparison, a musical excorcism that assumes if people aren’t responding to this Heavenly message it must be because the Devil is blocking their ears. Clearly it couldn’t be because they don’t find the performance convincing…

But probably the most honest misunderstanding of the Christian faith emerges in the climactic I Believe. Abraham sings “I believe I came to know you for a reason / I believe that the things you say will come true / I believe that with you in my life I’ll make it / I believe in you!” However the ‘you’ he ends up singing to isn’t God but the guy next to him. As far as this production is concerned, if Christianity is going to get back to its roots it will begin by focussing more on the person next door than the man upstairs.

Altar Boyz has its origins in New York’s off-Broadway theatre scene and consequently draws heavily on American perceptions of religion. It’s likely to blunt the humour for Australian audiences, unfamiliar with a highly Christianised culture. The Christian music scene, for one thing, is nowhere near as developed here as it is in the US. Consequently a lot of the send-ups may simply pass as observations. After all, to get the irony, you have to first know someone is being ironic. Unsurprisingly the biggest laughs arrived when effeminate Mark recounted how he’d grown up terrorised by intolerant teens – “Anglican thugs, mostly.”

Some might despair of the production at this point – ‘Is that really what they see us like?’ – but I think at least two things are worth bearing in mind. Firstly, these boy band members are a long way from the garden variety Christian most Australians are likely to meet. And secondly, the majority of the songs are so loaded with scriptural references and gospel concepts they could easily fit in the mouths of legitimate Christian performers. Consequently audiences who might otherwise have no time for the gospel end up paying to get a fair dose. They may think the message behind the faith quaint, even offensive but they’ve heard it nonetheless. Or as Paul puts it, some “…preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble … But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.”

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